Are Childhood Wounds Driving How You Live Your Life?
Childhood wounding can happen as part of growing up and is usually attributed to important influential relationships such as parents and siblings. Wounds include the loss of a parent or both, a parent who is critical, demanding, judgemental; abuse – emotionally, physically, psychologically, sexually; dysfunctional family lifestyle where trauma, addiction, mistreatment, absence or violence was present; a specific life event such as bullying was experienced and the list can go on.
Michael’s father left the family home when he was 9 years old leaving his mother, his younger sister born with a disability and himself alone. Michael took on the parent role, joining with his mother in his sister’s care. Now married, Michael finds it difficult to communicate with his wife and others what is important to him and uses his good looks to get what he wants. When he feels trapped he has sex with other women. He feels empty inside, wants to be a good husband and father but is struggling to stay in relationship with his family.
Jim a gay man, whose father from an early age prepared his brother and himself to take over the family business, he felt close to his father and he and his brother developed a strong rivalry between them. Jim’s father disowned Jim at 14 years of age when he came out to his family as being gay. Jim has always felt he could never be anything in life, that he is a disappointment to everyone around him and is ashamed of being gay.
Men such as Michael and Jim carry their childhood wound into adulthood and as men they find new ways of protecting themselves from their wounding. Michaels wound of abandonment and rejection by his father led him to believe he had to reject others before he was rejected. In the work with Jim we explored his internalised homophobia based on his wounding by his father’s rejection of him and his younger brother’s elevation to being what he called ‘number 1 son’ who could do no wrong”.
As a result, both men are disconnected with themselves and, the backflip being, it is the disconnection that feeds a drive for both men wanting to belong, to be accepted and ultimately, their need to be understood. Loneliness and the ability to form deep lasting relationships where they are validated and accepted is challenged by their lowered sense of self, feelings of insecurity – a less than attitude that impedes them in stepping into living a fuller life.
Childhood Wounds Protect Men
Men tend to deal with wounding by protecting themselves against the fear of others knowing their weakness and vulnerability. Some men resort to medicating themselves with alcohol and drug use, over eating, becoming highly competitive and demanding especially in the workplace while others use bullying or develop a highly controlling personality.
It makes sense to protect the sensitivity and fear of exposure of deep wounding as an attempt to stay strong and in control. These wounds can be driving how some men live their life today. It is important to state the coping strategies and adapted behaviours are there for a good reason however, they can also be limiting.
So why would a man want to begin the process of opening up these wounds in therapy when he may not even speak of them to his family, friends, lover?
How Can Therapy Help Men Deal With Their Childhood Wounding?
By courageously confronting the challenge of being vulnerable with another person can help any man to get in touch with the wound and find help to reconnect in a holistic sense with their sense of self.
I’ve noticed in my work with clients that despite the challenge of considering and being in the process of therapy, that having a space where a person is able to explore painful memories and events without judgement, without feeling inferior can offer relief. Differences, defences and a host of other behaviours and attitudes disappear and an openness and acceptance emerges as the wound is exposed and salve is applied.