Do Men Endure Loneliness Quietly?
Loneliness affects everyone.
It’s at the heart of what it means to be human – to be in the world with others and yet still feel utterly alone. Existentialists would regard loneliness as being intrinsic to what it means to be human and has a purpose – to discover and accept who we are while coming to terms with our own limitations and need for personal connection.
With access to the Internet The inner struggle of loneliness every person faces is countered today. You never need to feel lonely, cut off or be isolated from anyone.
For those who like their alone time this is different to loneliness. For the introvert it’s important to have quiet times to recharge the ‘batteries’ where extroverts need to have people around them and can be lonely without people.
Solitude on the other hand is different to loneliness. Solitude is a time of being on one’s own. It can be useful for personal reflection, being creative, seeking inner peace and contentment or a time to re-evaluate and renew dreams and ideas. So how does loneliness affect men?
Men and Loneliness
Men who attend my practice who experience loneliness say they find it difficult to communicate what they want or mean in a way they are understood and accepted. They tend to keep things to themselves for long periods of time, even years. Some tell me it’s difficult for them to remember a time when they didn’t feel lonely.
The sense of loneliness can isolate a man socially and emotionally and, it can invoke feelings of not belonging. The Australian Institute recently reported one in three Australians have experienced loneliness in the past decade. At greatest risk are men especially if you are a man who either lives alone, has a high income, pressured job, is separated, a single father or you are older and retired then you are more likely to experience loneliness.
Do men experience loneliness differently from women?
Men experiencing loneliness can develop patterns of low self-esteem, loss of confidence, even desperation and feelings of anger. In extended periods of loneliness depression can develop with feelings of “not being good enough” or “less than”and can lead to a cut off from others.
Some of the literature suggests that men seek less social support and connection than women. They are less likely to speak about what is going on for them and, when they do speak to other men they usually hear something along the lines of “you’ll be right”. As a consequence of this style of communication between men the literature goes on to suggest men tend to endure loneliness far more than women and stay quiet about it.
Loneliness is the desire of intimacy
At the heart of loneliness is the deep desire for connection. Frieda Fromm-Reichmann studied and wrote about loneliness when no one else was doing so in the late 1950’s. In her work with mental health patients she discovered the desire and need for human connection. She used the term real loneliness to describe man’s search and need for intimacy. She discovered, what we now know today, that an ongoing experience of loneliness is linked to a wide range of health issues. The terror of loneliness for some people can be severe and debilitating and for others there is endured resignation of this is how it is.
At the heart of loneliness – there is rejection
One of the key ways of understanding loneliness is the feeling of rejection. Most rejections despite them being painful can be overcome and heal with time. When these little rejections are not worked through they can accumulate and grow.
Human beings are social animals and rejection in men is linked to survival. If you think of how you got where you are today you will have developed many strategies to get you through those painful moments in your life.
Men are rejected on many levels throughout their life – sport, love, relationships and work to name a few. You will have learned to emotionally armour yourself against rejections – you may be highly attuned to the likelihood of any possibly rejection already and not know it. It’s a learned behavioural response.
Rejection brings emotional pain. It can affect your self-esteem and confidence. You might be experiencing deep wounding and anger. It can affect how you think and may challenge your sense of belonging.
Move beyond the fear of rejection
Every man learns early in life how to survive not only physically but also emotionally. Its no wonder a man can tolerate and endure loneliness. It is based on his experience with rejection.
For men loneliness is about belonging and rejecting the rejection. It is the need and want for intimacy and in the bigger picture that is what every human being at some level really wants. Then why is this difficult for so many men to achieve?