Do I Love a Narcissist?

Have you fallen in love with a narcissist and don’t know how to leave?

Are you obsessing with the “idealised self” and is it impacting your relationships today?

With the increase in mobile phone ‘selfies’ and the ‘selfie stick’, also known as the “narcissi stick”, it’s not surprising narcissistic traits are becoming more evident today.

When narcissism completely dominates a relationship, almost every area of life is adversely affected, including romantic relationships, family, social life, and work performance
(Stevens, 2000:13).

What happens when you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist?

Have you experienced any of the following:

Have you been rejected, treated badly, cut off from any contact in a relationship in a cold and heartless way that is confusing and does’t make sense?
Were there tell tale signs of destructive self-love in your relationship that you ignored or perhaps you heard friends warn you to get out of the relationship but ignored?
Did you experience feelings of fear about leaving a relationship as you imagined or had experienced the punishment would be too great to bear?
Have you lost friends as a result of controlling and unpredictability because of your partners’ behaviour?

Then it’s possible you are in or have been in a relationship with a narcissist.

Is narcissism on the increase today?

The research on narcissism by Twenge & Campbell (2010) proposes that narcissism today is epidemic. A sense of entitlement has emerged and is perpetuated in four ways. These may or may not be a surprise to you.

The Internet comes up tops as promoting grandiose belief in self-importance, especially with the massive use of social networking sites – how many friends do you have on Facebook and how many of them do you actually have a conversation with face to face?
Reality TV seems to be another source of narcissistic traits where everyone can be instantly famous – how many TV programs use inflated commentary to the contestants in regards to their talent only to find there can only be one winner. No one wants to be a loser.
Parenting style comes under scrutiny as the third influence on narcissism. Parents indulged their children by defining them as special or gifted as they are encouraged to be who and what they want to be without consideration for others or, of the consequences.
Finally and surprisingly, the ease of obtaining lines of credit and loans in order to look more successful than the person really is has been put forward as a potential narcissistic trait development.

The researchers suggest that today’s societal boundaries are changing the way people communicate with one another, promoting stronger narcissist traits that impact relationships today.

Narcissism in Relationships

When a relationship starts with so much promise, excitement, but when love and admiration turns into a painful, emotional roller coaster of unpredictability, it is difficult to know what to do – “do I stay or leave, is it possible to work it through?”

You may want to leave but are afraid. You may be experiencing being caught between painful emotional attraction and the rational facts of being used. Its like sitting in a pool of uncertainty, full of a mixture of hurt and excitement all at the same time.

In the extreme case of narcissism, a personality disorder, you may find yourself feeling trapped in a relationship that is too difficult even dangerous to leave.

Watch the recent “Foxcatcher” movie as the head coach played by Steve Carell shows a fascinating insight of extreme narcissism.

How to recognise if you are in love with a narcissist?

Narcissism can be difficult to spot at first in any relationship. It can begin in subtle ways of how your partner manages to always get their own way. They allow you to think you are making decisions when in reality the key to being in control is their manipulation.

The narcissist will always find a way of getting their needs met and allowing you to think they are doing you a favour as an expression of their love for you. You may get wrapped up in a bubble of extreme love and content, showered with presents and accolades of how wonderful you are. You will be told of how your love for each other is special and one to be treasured. That is, till you or someone else comes along and challenges the love.

When you challenge or complain or try to change anything in the relationship the response is more likely to be about how you are not supporting or understanding their viewpoint. You can be made to feel wrong and compromised to the point of losing your voice and opinion – in time you learn it’s easier to go along.

Clients have spoken about how they have left their current partners for someone who they find exciting, sexually adventurous, full of passion only later to discover they feel emotionally exhausted and controlled by the new partner.

They also talk about taking up ways of behaving that they would never think of considering before. It’s about always having to keep up in fear of being rejected or over looked for someone else. Personal boundaries change as new and exciting ways of being in the world of their partner emerge. Later they find friends and family saying they hardly recognise them any longer.

As the relationship progresses unpredictable behaviours emerge. Rage is common and accusations of how your love is never enough as part of the control in the relationship. Some people have reported of being told on a continuous basis that “if they loved them they would trust them and give them the freedom they deserve”.

When self-love takes over a relationship for the pursuit of personal happiness above all other responsibilities, an exploitive relationship emerges that can be callous with a lack of regard for others. There may be displays of emotional coldness and a lack of empathy along with displays of destructive behaviour including anger and rage and preoccupation with fantastical thinking.
(Stevens 2000:13)

Feeing stuck in a narcissistic relationship?

Learning to be in a relationship with someone without dominating narcissistic traits may seem ordinary by comparison.

If any of the above rings a bell for you then talking through your options of continuing to be in or how to leave a narcissistic relationship will require careful consideration.

Waiting for your partner to change just won happen. If you are wanting to leave the relationship but are fearful presents a challenging and fear filled emotional freeze that can immobilise you.

Coming along to talk this through is the first step in taking control. You may need to reconnect to how you want to live your life and take responsiblity for your emotional, physical and psychological well-being.

Loving a narcissist, while it can be exciting and exhausting. You may find yourself wondering about other relationships. Learning to be in a relationship with someone without dominating narcissistic traits may seem ordinary.

The narcissists wound is a deeply guarded and sacred place that is protected at all costs, one that you may not be able to live with, and one that will be confusing.

Take time for yourself to explore with a therapists if you are in a relationship with a narcissist. It can help to put yourself first and make the choice that you believe is right for you.

Reference

Steven, B (2000) Mirror, Mirror – when self-love undermines your relationship. National Library of Australia: Canberra.

Twenge, J.M., & Campbell, W. K (2010) The Narcissism Epidemic: living in the age of entitlement. Atria: New York.