Homophobia – ‘when hating yourself becomes unbearable’
You would think today that Homophobia wouldn’t be an issue. Despite the advances of acceptance in today’s society for men who love men, the case for remaining in the ‘closet’ is growing. The Secret Self is on the increase. Homophobia arises out of the fear of being discovered, of being different and from heteronormative ideals of how a man should live his life according to conventional values.
For the man who secretly is attracted to other men can lead to an internal critical self-loathing and hatred for anything and everyone who could blow his cover. Living in a straight world, with a secret can take its toll.
The notion of homophobia is a contested idea. Panti, the Irish drag queen who became the face of Irelands gay equality and marriage reform, spoke about the “oppressiveness of others”. She likened it to “always checking yourself in the company of others”. This idea describes the essence of internalised homophobia. When a man lives a secret life he is always checking himself in the company of others for fear of being outed, different, or being seen as less than others, helps to reinforce the secret.
The difficulty in coming out is challenged by the hetero-normative stance of society and is impacted by sameness. Growing up where you have always known you are different yet fear how the news will impact on your family, culture, religion or where society condemns same-sex attraction. To be different, to go against the normal and reveal yourself to others requires in my view, strength and courage. The risks involved can silence a person. The internalised struggle in keeping ‘the secret’, the fear of being found out sets its own course of internalised shame.
Terri Murray writes of the ‘heavy existential burden’ of being gay. To be a ‘closeted homosexual’ choosing to stay safe, to be part of the crowd, trying desperately not to stand out, creates a burden of hypervigilance, the key to staying safe.
Choosing a life without personal freedom, to be attracted to other men can feel a great burden that any man will carry each day. Having to always check in with themselves, wondering ‘is the secret, is still a secret?’ It would seem easier to stay the same as everyone else, going along with the crowd than against it. Or is it?
It takes courage to engage in self-exploration of revealing the secret. What would it mean to step out of the crowd and observe yourself as a gay man? To imagine life without always checking yourself to be able to enjoy life without always having to check in with yourself.
For those men who do struggle to live an ‘authentic gay life’; struggle with the stereotypical view of gay men. The thought of being seen as gay, always having to check in with themselves in case they are too obvious or are embarrassed by men for being “too gay’ – the cringe factor. They also hate the idea of being called; gay, flapper, fairy, poof, queer, fag and so on or, being defined as sexually promiscuous, commitment-phobe, deviant, mentally ill, hedonistic, selfish, drama queen etc. The Secret Self fears and hates the fact that others will judge and categorise them without seeing who the person really is, the same person who happens to be attracted to other men.
The coming out experience is unique, immensely intimate and hidden. Stepping out to living a full and abundant life as a gay man, means to challenge your “internal critic of self-loathing and hatred”. In knowing when to step out acknowledges the ‘whole’ of the person’, it’s a time to begin to realise that all of this can or will happen but it’s how you learn a to respond as Panti says, “to how others will tell you who and what you are, what you are allowed to feel and do”. You can choose. The oppressiveness of maintaining the secret self can be a burden too great to carry alone. Too many young men take their own life while older men stay in the shadow of the ‘Secret Self’, living in fear of what might or might not happen in stepping into life as a gay man.
If you struggle with coming out; experience a profound sense of self-hatred and shame and fear living a full life as a gay man, coming to talk it through can help.
Refs:
- Panti Talk (2014) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXayhUzWnl0
- Panti Ted Talk – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIhsv18lrqY
- Terri Murray (2002). Is Homosexuality “Bad Faith” https://philosophynow.org/issues/39/Is_Homosexuality_Bad_Faith
- Internalised homophobia. http://www.revelandriot.com/resources/internalized-homophobia/