To Have An Open Sexual Relationship Or Not – That Is The Question?
Not all gay men want an open relationship and are content with a monogamous closed relationship. However, gay men in a relationship at some point will consider if and when its right for them to have an open sexual relationship.
For gay men considering an open sexual relationship, recent preliminary research findings conducted on gay men in an open relationship indicates they are more likely to be closer and have more fulfilling and happier relationships. The researcher goes on to say that communication is a key factor to this finding (Stults, 2016).
Gay men have been finding creative and innovative ways of managing meaningful relationships with their partner. The lack of role models or social construct to say what is and will work for an open sexual relationship must be discovered on an individual basis. Gay men have had to create relationships that run counter to common social norms of what defines a relationship (Coelho, 2011).
Monogamy is rejected by some gay men on the grounds it is contrary to human nature. For those seeking an open relationship, mthe research indicates that autonomy, sexual variety, experimentation, excitement and temptation of the ease of using “gay hook-up apps” are contributing reasons for wanting and having an open relationship (Coelho, 2011). How does a couple manage to balance their personal sexual desire for sex outside the relationship and the needs of their partner?
Having an open sexual relationship by its very nature is open to personal and relationship challenges.
Communication and Open Relationships
One way to manage the balance is to establish agreements. These may include keeping in contact with your partner with updates of when, where and who you are with, not having sex at home, no sleepovers, sex outside only happens when travelling, not with the same person more than twice, no kissing and so on (Brown, 2015). It’s a personal choice that requires effective and ongoing communication. It is important to recognise when issues such as jealousy or when one person is feeling insecure or sensitive a need for a greater sense of security infiltrates the relationship. This may need a stronger or additional emotional boundary added to the agreement (Brown, 2015).
Agreements may include important areas for protecting the integrity of the relationship such as health, maintaining a sense of belonging, managing emotional attachments and ensuring trust for safety and security to be maintained in the primary relationship (Coelho, 2011; Brown, 2015).
Agreements in themselves require clarity and enquiry to the motivation for making such agreements. Each of you may find you have differing values or beliefs that will influence your discussion. The emotional boundary will be tested so it’s important to be aware that even when agreements are reached, challenges in practicalities will emerge. They require scrutiny and refinement and effective communication is the key to managing those challenges.
Can Gay Men Avoid Emotional Attachment in an Open Relationship?
It’s just sex, or is it? Men are thought to be able to distinguish clearly that there is a difference between sex and intimacy. In being prepared to communicate clearly with one another, offers the opportunity and benefit of learning from one another. Being able to communicate openly and honestly has its benefits while growing closer. In doing so you will be agreeing to define your open relationship and its parameters.
For men who prefer the impersonal anonymous encounter, it seems the transaction is more straight forward. It’s just sex, right! However, anyone can be caught out by hooking up with someone and becoming emotionally attached. Coelho (2011, p. 667) shares that “sex may be a natural male trait, but so is emotion. Men are not devoid of it and it can get them into trouble”.
When boundaries are crossed, there is a threat to the integrity of the primary relationship.
For those men needing intimacy in their relationships outside of the primary relationship define this in various ways including; getting to know one another first through chatting online, of the importance of having a physical and mental connection, spending time after sex talking and holding one another and returning on a regular basis to feel that deep intimate connection (Brown, 2015; Coelho, 2011).
Differences between these two opposing needs require clear boundaries if the relationship is to survive. Defining those boundaries can highlight all sorts of insecurities and associated behaviours. It is important to be aware of differences. If you seek an impersonal sexual encounter approach where your partner who needs to have an emotional connection with the person before having sex can highlight insecurities and judgements. It important to talk this through especially, when an emotional connection is experienced. There’s the consideration of whether to continue to meet on a regular basis, to include your partner in the encounter or not and how to manage if an emotional attachment is developed. This will depend on the agreement you have reached.
Shame and Open Relationships
Couples who come to therapy considering an open relationship usually bring their differences to talk through. They may have reached a stalemate and keep going over similar ground. I find it important to explore the shaming effect of being gay. The impact of shame on a couple who have an open relationship can be experienced from others, as they consider who to tell and what to say to friends and family – if they chose. There is also the internalised shame related to the shaming of growing up in a hetero-normative society and family that impacts their self-esteem and confidence. Also, for some gay men, there is shame in having a different sexual appetite whether higher or lower or engaging in sexual activities different from their partner. This can be critiqued as wrong.
An open relationship is complex. All relationships have the potential for ending (Coelho, 2011) and open sexual relatinships are no different. Finding what is right for your relationship will require good honest and open communication. When one is keener than the other to have an open relationship when sexual needs are different to the other, where one is happier to have a monogamous rather than an open relationship opens a line of enquiry that can only bring greater awareness and understanding of what is important to you. How will you protect the primary relationship?
If you are considering an open sexual relationship and need to talk this through, contact me today. Having honest and open communication is a positive step forward.
References
Coelho, T. (2011). Hearts, groins and the intricacies of gay male open relationships: Sexual desire and liberation revisited. Sexualities, 14(6) pp. 653-668.
Brown, J. (2015) Couple therapy for gay men: exploring sexually open and closed relationships through the lenses of hetero-normative masculinity and attachment styles. Journal of Family Therapy. 37, pp. 386-402.
Stults, (2015) Research Assistant, New York University, Center for Health, Identity, Behaviour and Prevention Studies (CHIBPS), New York, NY, 2013-Present. Centre for Health, Identity, Behaviour, and Prevention Studies at New York University