Belonging as a Gay Man
With the internet, online apps and the shrinking visible gay community, the impact on a sense of belonging is threatened. Gay men today are saying they have visibility, inclusion and yet still feel the impact of societal pressure on being different. Belonging is a unique experience. It is associated with a place, people, culture, identity, connection and so much more. Finding your place and tribe is an important aspect of belonging, so why are men still questioning where they belong?
The question of belonging is a common comment in the conversations with some of the men I see in my practice. Feelings of restlessness and longing to fit in seems to be prevalent. Its certainly truer for the older gay man and for those coming to terms with their same-sex attraction, than it is for younger gay men. There is an ease of knowing who you are and where you belong, especially, if you live in a city, or does it? Moving from the bush and the country is another ball game. Younger gay men are exposed to other young gay men, celebrities and TV shows where gay characters are played, while the Internet has opened communication and connection online with an instant connection. They may have role models to help and show them the way through the maze of finding where they belong. For the older gay man, they report their struggle in coming out was usually done in isolation and secrecy compared to some younger gay men today.
Belonging is linked with the interpersonal relationships that each man negotiates and finds for himself. His tribe and sense of identity is formed in part, through these connections. Identity is also formed in relationships with other gay men whom they identify with and imitate (1).
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein.
Recently, I was asked to be on a panel to explore identity and cultural differences as part of a professional development day for clinical and pastoral supervisors. I was provided questions to consider to help formulate my thinking towards offering a structured discussion. Importantly I was asked to take the stance of a gay man coming from Scotland navigating identity and belonging during the seventies and eighties. This was to assist those professionals to explore their own bias, values and perhaps complacency. It’s been a long time since I put myself on show personally. Professionally, I’m used to presenting and teaching. I thought I had it all sorted out and this would be a piece of cake. It didn’t hit me till I was sitting waiting to be asked to provide an overview of who I am, some of my history and struggles, my personal views on identity and culture that I realised that I was now categorised as an older gay man! My anxiety crept in with a force as I took the stance of this identity and of where I belonged. I was left with old memories and questions on how far had I come in my own sense of identity and belonging?
I was confronted with having to think about the messages I internalised. I am aware I still have at times somewhere in the background, a sense of watchfulness, sensitivity and vigilance and, to the extreme, suspicion of others because of the way it was back then.
At the heart of the question of belonging and not belonging, is the loss. The choices made, decisions that seemed right at the time and that wondering of, “now what?”. Men in general perhaps lurk on the edge of society without a sense of belonging. Some men find belonging in a family, with a partner and children, their mates, culture, sport and other interests. This seems too simplistic to me and yet can be very comforting and assuring for others.
Belonging can be viewed as being attached to a place, an ideal or community. The idea to move from the country or a different state to immerse oneself in the thick of the ‘gay lifestyle’ and, to explore how one fits into the sub-cultures can be daunting. Acceptance and rejection play a large part in belonging. Finding a way through the many subcultures beyond the stereotypical labels of; twink, bear, otter, cub, leather, BDSM” etc., is challenging, confusing and exciting. Experimenting where one belongs, eventually, finds a spot where you feel you do belong. Identifying with only one sub-culture or many and yet having the freedom to freely choose is liberating. Other areas include the challenges of the complexity and teachings of a religion or faith-based community, politics and ideologies. Belonging is steeped in meaning. Finding your tribe in a subculture or to reject being labelled or categorised is asking any man to take a stance in what they are attracted to and what they choose to leave behind. It is about how to find meaning and have a sense of belonging.
Belonging it seems, is about overcoming personal challenges, values, ideologies, structures and ways of relating from the past that may not fit anymore. This requires reaching out and negotiating interpersonal relationships, finding one’s way through the myriad of subcultures and developing a determination to become the best possible person you can be. It begins in early childhood and continues throughout life. It’s a process of becoming and the tension of where to find a sense of belonging is personal and unique.
Belonging is also about finding a direction for how you will live your life. Having a direction helpt to identify a value for what is important to you, learning how to live a healthy life. Belonging is about those early years of bonding with your primary carer and the disruption that happens when there is difference. Some families today are openly supportive towards their gay son yet, this is not the case for other families. The sense of belonging is a basic condition for any human being. It has an impact on the many developmental aspects of our lives. Exclusion can impact greatly the sense of belonging and it can also teach us how to navigate through those personal dark times.
If you are feeling you don’t belong, are conflicted, restless, alone and unable to find where you belong then you are not alone. Speaking with someone can help.
Ref: Rowe, M. (2014) Becoming and Belonging in Gay Men’s Life Stories: A Case Study of a Voluntaristic Model of Identity. Sociological Perspectives 57 (4) pp. 434– 449