Fragile Father-Son Relationships
A father-son relationship is complex. Fathers hope to pass onto their sons from their experiences, values of right and wrong, how to be successful and their hope for a full and happy life. They are there to protect and guide their sons into manhood. A healthy relationship is hard to manage and can be fragile. Depending on circumstances the father-son relationship ends for some in rejection, cut off and emotional pain.
David’s story
“My father was a drunk who controlled everyone. I was an only child. He was only violent to me, and my mother lived daily in fear and dread of him. She divorced him when I left to go to university interstate. Today he is mellow on one level and just as angry on another level. He stopped drinking as much as his health is deteriorating. I still speak with him once a month on the phone. The phone call lasts 5 – 10 minutes, it’s all I can take as the conversation usually revolves around him, how bad his life is and how he did everything for me and I don’t appreciate him. I don’t take his calls in between. When I do call? I end up hanging up on him and feel angry and pissed off at him. I loathe him. Why do I keep in contact with him, it’s crazy I know! He’ll never change, and he will never be a father to me”.
“What is the son but an extension of the father?”
In listening to men over the years, at some point, the relationship between son and father will emerge. All too often I hear of men seeking approval from their father. Some are angry, full of resentment, having emotionally and geographically cut off from them, while others, attempt to understand their differences without resolution. In some cases, clinging to a perceived idealised father can emerge into adulthood. The yearning for a father’s acceptance is always in the background as some men’s behaviours in their relationships are reminiscent of the rejection they feel.
The literature on father-son relationships is complex, which is fitting, as the relationship is intricate with a resonance of competitiveness, approval and acceptance. Adolescence brings its challenges of separation and a longing for acceptance and belonging. The father’s role is to guide, support and mentor this passage into adulthood; often fraught with difficulty for both involved.
There are many variations of the relationship with messages and meaning is created, impacting the transition to adulthood. For example, the abusive father who is constantly angry, physically threatening his wife and children; the emotionally absent father, the workaholic or the passive or ineffective father staying in the background, poor decision making or taking the leading. In comparison, men have spoken of their fathers who are emotionally available, interested, supportive and nurturing in their love for their son.
“Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice”
Charles F Kettering
For sons, they may yearn deep down for their father’s love and approval but fear to disappoint him. Those who are confronted by their sexual identity face the added pressure of coming out to their family, especially their father. Clients have spoken of their difficulty in communicating about their sexual preference with their father, fearing rejection and non-acceptance. How does a young man or an older man, have a conversation with their father when they have heard from a young age how disgusting gays are? The internalised comments, angry responses or strong views impact self-identity confidence and purpose. Knowing your father finds gays, and their lifestyle disgusting becomes an internalised message of a gay son is disgusting.
The hope in a father is for their son to be full of potential and promise of an improved version of themselves that carries responsibility. Personalities and circumstances can divide, with stubborn and immovable clashes emerging. The gulf between the two can seem immovable. In defence of fathers, they too have had to find their way in the world and to figure out with or without the influence of their father their transitioned into adulthood.
Some theories or cause for the father-son split include the father’s upbringing and possible wounding from his relationship with his father; the inability to meet his son’s emotional needs or to connect with him. A holding onto his son’s perceived rejection from an early age, which is a mystery, while feeling helpless and confused, being resigned to never having a healthy relationship. These painful expressions are mutually experienced and are a common denominator for both parties. Fathers tended to retreat and avoid, feeling stuck unwilling or unable to be vulnerable with their sons. There is a pre-occupation with self-protection as power positions emerge. Sons despite this mutual feeling seek to test their father’s love and to pursue in a way can be interpreted as needy or weak. The connection game is set, and it is hard to break the cycle.
“A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be”
Frank A. Clarke
For David, reconnecting with painful experiences was challenging as the separation, and emotional cut off came with its emotional baggage. In sessions, David began working through his relationship with his father. He displayed at times his confusion and stubborn resistance of emotionally engaging with the work. His angry outbursts and self-berating hindered and helped him stay with an emotionally overwhelming process. The working through of the loathing and grievance he had for his father began its magic of healing.
The relationship differences and painful experiences provide a place for constructing personal coping strategies against the possible rejection and disappointment and perceived loss of a fathers’ love. Father hunger can fuel behaviours that carry into adulthood and to an ongoing father-son relationship.
Men are coming to therapy to talk through their current relationship issues and concerns. An intractable father-son relationship emerges for some men as they talk through relationship and unhealthy behaviour patterns. Being stuck in a place where both want more from one another and yet, are unable to cross the gulf that divides them. The son and father relationship differences continue today; movements have emerged to address the divide. However, no father-son relationship is immune. As men are attending therapy more frequently, their relationships with their father can be fertile ground for growth, emotional healing and change to happen.
If you are seeking help and want to talk over your concerns, give me a call today. Speaking with someone can help.
Contact Adam today to make an appointment
Ref: Nicolosi, J. Fathers of Male Homosexuals: A collective clinical profile. Available at: https://www.josephnicolosi.com/fathers-of-male-homosexuals/