Married Men and Same-Sex Attraction – Confused, Living a Lie?
There are generations of married men who have previously identified as heterosexual that have taken the bold step of coming to terms with their sexual identity. This can be one of the most challenging, and fearful decisions, given what is at stake. The journey of ‘coming out is steeped in risks and challenges, fuelled by self-limiting beliefs, fears, and thoughts of self-doubt. It is not surprising to hear of the inner relief once those first steps are taken.
Today some men have yet to take the bold step, successfully at first, managing to control their attraction to other men. Some men make a promise to stay in the marriage till the children are grown up and have left the family home, settling into family life. In contrast, others are afraid of being discovered, meeting up occasionally with other men.
Men in their world of secrecy have developed a sophisticated, complex web of false truths to cover up their secret as they live between two worlds – desire and denial.
“I’m living a lie, but I can’t leave my marriage or my kids. I feel trapped, depressed, and angry inside. I am bringing everyone around me down, and I don’t see how I can keep this secret any longer”.
Like most men who identify as gay, internalised shame emerges in response to the stigmatisation of societal fixed and rigid projections on sexual identity. More subtly, the power of the unspoken translates to the disappointment by another human being and is internalised in response as disapproval, attacking self-expression, blocking the potential for living a full and satisfying life.
Internalised shame has a specific function: to limit how a person feels about himself. It impacts the choices before him and how he can shape his life. This includes struggling with self-loathing, self-doubt, secrecy, feelings of rage projected onto others, using self-soothing behaviours through excessive substances, seeking approval in work success, experiencing bouts of depression and anxiety, or adopting compulsive and sometimes self-destructive behaviours.
Some married men don’t want others to see or know their secret and go to great lengths to mask their inner world of confusion. Externally some men present a projected self of success that masks the internal tension and fear of being found out.
“These feelings keep resurfacing, and I have been living with them all my life. I want to act on them, but I am too afraid of losing everything. If I am honest about myself with those around me, I risk losing my wife, children, and family”.
Every married man is different. Some don’t discover they are same sex attracted till later in life, especially when they marry young. Others know they are different but fall in love and believe they can overcome those deeper feelings and attractions. Societal and family pressures to be ‘normal’, as they deny their attraction to other men, leaving them feeling confused or conflicted, which becomes a deterrent to change.
Some married men find a way to compensate and live a double life going to great lengths and planning to cover their tracks. They might consider visiting sex workers, erotic massage, using apps and meeting men when away for work, leaving a web of confusion.
Examining the confusion is key to understanding what sexuality means and how it is possible to be married to a woman and be attracted to men? Significant debilitating emotional responses such as shame, guilt, betrayal, and dread of discovery, add to the confusion.
Being married to a woman and having an attraction to men requires a foundational awareness of self-acceptance; once discovered, self-acceptance allows for a range of possibilities to emerge. Self-acceptance propels you towards action and starts with accepting your sexual preferences and working through the complex weave created to cover up your inner world.
If this, is your experience, you deserve peace from feeling confused, the freedom to discover who you are without shame and guilt? The way forward is to talk with someone to begin the journey towards self-acceptance and out of painful self-doubt.