Are You Being Gaslighted In Your Relationship?
In any relationship, there are reasons couples have difficulty connecting. One common issue is becoming more prevalent is gaslighting. At the heart of gaslighting is manipulation and control, and if left unchecked it will undermine your self-confidence, self-esteem, and overall feeling of safety.
Each relationship has its unique qualities and characteristics. Healthy relationships are dependent on two emotionally healthy people coming together who take care of the relationship and one another. When there is a healthy emotional respect for one another, the potential of working through relationship disruptions is more significant.
For those unhealthy relational dynamics, tension and uncertainty can impact the quality of the partnership. When those unhealthy relationship patterns are covert, they are more challenging to recognise.
Gaslighting is a term used in relationships where control by one partner over the other is the operating principle. In its excessive use, gaslighting is related to co-dependent relationships, where one part of the partnership uses coercive control to dominate and control the other.
The purpose of gaslighting is to entrap the partner in a relationship by systematically take their power away, and to create dependency. The controlling partner provides an illusion that aspects of a problem in the relationship is creating problems that weren’t there before and are usually attributed to the other. The controlling partner sets up and implants a narrative about the issue by making the other believe there is something wrong with them and that they need to change. It may begin with something tangible such as their anxiety or depression or lack of self-confidence. It can also be entirely made up based on behaviours or insecurities already known with the explicit goal of controlling the other. The narrative about the issue is expanded upon and workshopped in a supportive and helpful way at first, and is then adopted by the other, eventually becoming absorbed as truth. The implications for the person being gaslighted in this way is to lose their sense of self, erode their self-esteem, and foster dependency on the controlling partner.
Gaslighting is a form of control through manipulation and is covert. The longer it continues, the more complex and confusing it becomes to understand what is really happening in the relationship. It can be hard to tell what is real or made up, perhaps second-guessing yourself or believing it’s all in your imagination. Your level of self-doubt and mistrust increases; it creeps into your self-confidence. Your partner may laugh your questions off and tell you it’s all in your mind, you have the facts mixed up, you have misunderstood, or will correct the facts and tell you, “You’ve got it wrong” or “you are crazy or paranoid!”
When one partner is exerting power and control in the relationship, this can be subtle at first and become overt and integrated as part of the relational communication and behaviour pattern.
“If you love me, you will understand that this is important to me. Look at what I have done for you”.
Gaslighting is reported in same-sex relationships in different ways and can be experienced at different stages and levels in a relationship. Some of the ways gaslighting or coercive control happen in relationships include:
Emotional Control through Manipulation or Crazy Thinking
Emotional connection is slowly withdrawn, creating confusion about what you are feeling seeking to please our partner questioning yourself. Your self-confidence lessens, and find it difficult to express your inner world of frustration, upset, or the ability to make decisions on your own.
Shifting Boundaries and Self-Belief
You question your boundaries, your values and beliefs that are important to defining who you are in the world creating confusion. You become adept at pleasing your partner as you change and adapt your behaviours, no longer trusting yourself.
Becoming Less Important
Your importance in the relationship edges to the background as your role becomes secondary to your partner’s interests, work, and routines. The controlling elements begin with an interest in your friends and family; however, the plan is to separate you from others and to control who you see and what you do. Your work or life is less important as theirs and are told that your work life is worthless.
Sexual Control
Sexual encounters are another form of control. You participate in sexual activities you once hadn’t considered before to please your partner. There is excitement at first pleasing your partner; it’s adventurous, fun and something you do together; however, through time, they become more extreme with little negotiation or consideration for your wants, needs or desire.
There are more examples and the above is only a snapshot of gaslighting in its extreme form. If you are experiencing a controlling relationship, it’s time to talk this over with someone. Relationships help us to heal. When you have a loving relationship with yourself and a partner who loves you for who you are, life opens you to new and exciting possibilities.
For more in-depth information on gaslighting see
Ross Rosenberg (2018) The Human Magnet Syndrome: The co-dependent narcissist trap.