Are You in a Reciprocal and Mutually Intimate Relationship?
There are many definitions of how intimacy can be understood, and everyone has their own take on what intimacy means to them. Intimacy develops when two people come together who care for and support one another through a reciprocal and mutually connecting emotional bond that develops and increases over time. In relationships, intimacy differences can bring their own challenges.
One of the measures is the level of acceptance of the other despite their unique way of being in the world. Jeffrey Chernin in his book, Get Closer, writes of Intimacy as a deeply felt bond while acceptance becomes an active process of changing your expectations of how you think your partner should be, and intimacy comes from learning to work through the differences (Chernin 2020).
Intimacy is linked to being vulnerable. The development of mutual trust with your partner is crucial to the success of any relationship in that, as you reveal your intimate personal details and history about yourself, your family background and upbringing, including your dreams and hopes for example, what you offer in the space of intimacy, will be held in deepest respect and confidence.
There is always the risk when revealing your most intimate thoughts, feelings, and past life events of being judged. Rejection is never far away. The feeling of embarrassment in what you choose to reveal can limit, or stop you from fully revealing yourself.
Everyone has a past and an inner world where they hold intimate aspects of themselves that are closely guarded and carefully selected on how, when, and to whom they are revealed. The risk of rejection, or being judged in whatever way you are in a relationship, can be at the heart of how you connect intimately with your partner. Opening oneself up to another can be influenced by feelings of past betrayal, being let down, or ridiculed. There may be events that are personal and painful that you want to protect from revealing, waiting for the right time is important to choose.
Some relationships are built on the immediacy of being together and having fun, in not taking things too seriously and a lack of self-confidence, or low self-esteem stops intimacy developing. Other people deal with intimacy by overcompensating, taking control in relationships, being confident and forth right. This also can be a form of protection. Physical or non-sexual intimacy is crucial for the success of any relationship. Most relationships develop their own unique way of defining relationship intimacy. Each partner shows their love for one another through a myriad of ways however, when there are intimacy differences, relationship tension emerges.
Intimac is not always about sexual intimacy. Physical touch is part of being intimate with your partner. Touch produces the hormone and neurotransmitter Oxytocin. While Oxytocin is linked to sexual arousal it is also more commonly understood to be released as a hormone through social interaction. The effects are one of calming and soothing through sensory stimulation such as hugs, embracing, physical touch, cuddling, hand holding and affection. Problems arrive in any relationship when there are physical intimacy differences. If you are experiencing physical intimacy challenges in your relatuonshhip some questions to ask of each other (Hope 2021) include:
- How does each part of the partnership communicate their personal need and desire for intimacy, including touch, affection and how often? How is this received and understood by your partner?
- How is the need for physical intimacy, interpreted by the other and how does your partner respond when asked to reciprocate?
- How does each member of the partnership understand the others need for intimacy and affection? Is there acceptance, a judgment, criticism?
- When one part of the partnership offers what they consider to be enough physical intimacy and affection, does the other partner crave more and, want it differently than the way that is offered? How is this resolved?
For intimacy to develop, whether physical and or sexual, requires both parts of the relationship to understand not only their personal needs and desires but also to be curious about discovering their partners. Communication is key to working towards relationship intimacy. Saying that, vulnerability and past experiences will come into play and potentially derail the process if attention is not paid to the self-limiting behaviours and self-talk that can block intimacy developing.
Jeffrey N Chernin. (2020). Get Closer: A gay man’s guide to intimacy and relationships (3rd ed). USA., Alyson Books.
Hope, A. (2021) Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/24/style/are-you-in-an-inter-intimate-relationship.html