Is a Poly-Consensual Non-Monogamy Relationship Right For You?
Established and acceptable forms of monogamous relationships relied on many factors such as socio-political, cultural and religious ideologies as well as practical and financial considerations. Today the freedom to choose and define what constitutes a relationship takes a broader understanding. Challenges to the once defined and socially acceptable monogamous relationship, defined as between two people has emerged over the last two decades with poly-consensual non-monogamy relationships are growing in some sections of society and is moving more into mainstream relationship possibilities.
The more established form of having the ideal romantic partner for life has remained the dominant model for maintaining a monogamous relationship however, the rate of divorce, separation, and clandestine “affairs” outside of the relationship reminds us that the monogamous model is not perfect or works for everyone.
Polyamory has come to the fore and is challenging what was once taboo and relegated to secrecy and underground events is becoming more mainstream. It has its roots in history while today’s modern take has evolved into a vibrant and exciting way to consider what constitutes a relationship. Having consensual non-monogamy (CNM) relationships is gaining more ground in the ever changing society we live in.
Fern, (2022) defines CNM as an umbrella term for the practice of simultaneously having multiple sexual or romantic partners where everyone involved is aware of and consents to the relationship structure (p.103). Poly relationships are inclusive, taking into consideration personal preferences and importantly, are defined by the emotional, sexual and romantic intimacy discovered in the relationship structure. The reasons people may choose CNM are varied and complex including seeking different kinds of intimacy, sexual expression and diversity; a truer way to express oneself authentically, for personal growth and development. Also importantly its about how to give and receive love and support that comes from having multiple partners, while holding as a guiding personal philosophy that gender equality is critical.
A poly relationship structure consists of whatever has been agreed to. This may include opening the relationship from being a couple, to a triad, quad or polycule. This is different from an open relationship which can be challenging in and of itself where emotional, romantic and intimacy is not part of the arrangement.
Much of the literature supports the idea that CNM relationships exhibit less jealousy than monogamous relationships as communication and a commitment to work through difficulties is at the heart of having a secure poly-relationship. While building trust, being flexible, open to change in the relationship dynamics, shifting expectations, wants and needs all require ongoing discussion, and are crucial for the ongoing health and development of a secure poly-CNM relationship structure.
Are you are considering opening your relationship?
A colleague from London has developed a 7-stage model for co-creating and considering how to explore setting up a poly-CNM relationship. Briefly this includes moving through the seven stages of communication. Some of the stages will require more attention and a going back and forth to clarify and gain an agreed understanding. From stage 1 of imagining what kind of poly relationship you want, how you imagine it working etc., becomes an in-depth exploration of what could constitute a poly-CNM. From stage one you then move on to focus and begin the process of working through the other stages: discussion, contracting, experimenting, checking-in, fine-tuning and stabilising. Each stage offers guidance on how to bring open and honest communication as a central aspect of setting up a poly-CNM relationship.
As a therapist I recognise that a lot of poly-CNM relationships require meticulous exploration, especially when there are painful past events, and those self-critical thoughts and beliefs that come to the immediate forefront could sabotage and derail the discussion. In poly-CNM those past events can be amplified and there is need to have honest up-front discussion with the dreams, hopes and challenges coupled with those more difficult conversations. Agreeing to work through them to help maintain and develop new responses and changes is vital. The risk in not being open to your hidden fears and anxieties can close the discussion down and become a recipe for misunderstanding, misinterpretation and difficult relational dynamics emerge.
Committing to communicating openly is risky. It has its challenges and can be laden with emotionally charged responses and imaginings of repeating of past painful events. Opening your thinking to how a poly-CNM would work for you is a time of transition with new opportunities to learn about yourself and your partner/s.
Reference
Fern, J. (2022) Polysecure: Attachment, trauma and consensual non-monogamy. Melbourne, Scribe Publications.
Niki. D (2023) Loving Freedom: Beyond monogamy, Opening up a dyad. In print.