Dating apps have been in use for decades, evolving from their earliest conception of chat room conversations with the expectation to connect with someone and then arrange to meet up. Fast forwarding to today, the apps with their carefully designed algorithms with promises to meet that someone special or more simply for a hook up. They have become popular and sophisticated, meeting a diverse range of expectations that is hard to give up (FOMO). The side effect of app use is the growth in online behaviours that can be harsh and damaging.
The reliance of dating apps use is usually associated with a younger age group. Dhoest (2022) research reports generational use as a reminder of how far the use of apps has come. Historically baby boomers, tended to stick with the more traditional view of meeting potential partners. When using apps later in life they reported a sense of alienation and ageism and stopped using them. For Generation X, online dating was more accessible and even though multiple sites were accessed, they also reported a preference for offline dating. Millennials on the other hand used a mix of traditional dating venues and multiple online profiles, the online rejection culture emerged as appearance, personal preferences and stats became the key feature. Even with generation Z where sexual attraction was more widely visible and acceptable, they have challenged the social norms in a mobile age as apps are part of the mainstream life. Their use brings associated concerns.
The Dopamine Hit
The swiping through profiles, creates the idea or attitude of others being immediately available to meet or to hook up. A late response or being blocked, ignored can set off a mindset of managing rejection, self-esteem seeking validation and a mix of responsive behaviours.
The scrolling through profiles on the apps have been known to encourage addictive type behaviours demanding attention and the reporting of the number of hours spent daily searching or chatting can be overwhelming, especially when there are multiple sites to manage.
The repetitive action of swiping for example can elevate anxiety and is also a soothing action as the dopamine hit is experienced when you find what/who you have been searching for. The gratification one experiences, and the pleasure principle from the hit is a natural soothing response to avoid painful moments, such as rejection.
Unspoken Codes of Behaviours
There seems to be an acceptable unspoken agreement code that behaviours online are different and socially acceptable than in real, live encounters with someone. If not careful, they can be viewed as potentially pathological. For example:
Benching – is when someone wants to keep all their options open without commitment. They may ask if you are free to catch up (hook up) as their plans have fallen through but not necessarily committing to you on an on-going relationship basis. There is a power element to the ‘bencher’ having a hold over the other from a love interest as they drip feed their availability and commitment.
Submarining – is where someone whom you have had an ongoing connection with romantically, love interest or sexual connection disappears from your life without any reason or notice and then resurfaces without explanation or notice and behaves as if nothing was wrong. It can be a form of ghosting and is also known as Zombie-ing. There is a lack of awareness, responsibility, or concern for the other person’s feelings
Ghosting – is the sudden and abrupt ending of communication, contact without explanation or reason or warning for doing so, leaving the other person confused at what has just happened with nowhere to go. When the person being ghosted reaches out, they are usually met with silence, as if the other person has vanished without a trace. They can unfriend, unfollow, block on social media platforms, and delete accounts to prevent any contact with them.
Bread crumbing – refers to a person who gives you just enough signals such as flirty texts without any real intentions of following through. They leave a trail of breadcrumbs to keep you interested and hopeful but not enough for you to feel assured that they are fully invested in the relationship. Their behaviour is inconsistent but enough to keep you attracted and interested in them.
Catfishing – is a term for someone pretending online to be someone else. It usually consists of someone creating and building a new online identity for themself by taking information, images, and personal historical events from other people profiles to manipulate and trick people into having a relationship with them.
The behaviours above arise out of the lack of real communication and face to face connection. If you use apps and find you are over dependent on them, are continually checking to see who is there, perhaps unconsciously seeking self-validation, it might be time to review how you are using them. Taking time to review how you are using them, for what purpose, are they meeting your expectations, finding it difficult to commit to one person, there’s always someone else online, FOMO, is worth revisiting from time to time to help maintain a healthy relationship with your sense of self, developing your self-esteem and how you connect in the offline environment.
Reference
Dhoest, A. (2022). Dating in Motion: Online Dating Through the Lives of Different Generations of Men Who Have Sex with Men. Sex Cult Vol.26(60), pp. 1981-1999.