Untangling the Process of Change
Existentially, change is a condition that all human beings in their lifetime will experience. We can’t avoid it. It captures the essence of what it means to be human. Change, however, as a constant in our lives, is the source of disruption and continuity. We can eagerly embrace change as something that brings hope and expectation of something new while also recognising that change can be a threat, intimidating, and to be avoided.
Historically, thinkers, activists and leaders have offered possibilities for the impact of societal change. They have provided insights, challenges, and a call to action, recognising change as transformational yet slow.
Clients coming to therapy have change at the forefront of their minds. Something has arrived to disrupt the continuity of their lives as they seek help. What is it about change that can become so threatening to us that it impacts how we experience ourselves, our relationships and more? What does change mean?
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek”. Barack Obama.
It is unsurprising to know that almost every conversation with a therapist begins with the client wishing to change their situation, in others and themselves. Change is problematic in that it requires loss to enter the equation. A letting go of a relationship, a job, or habits and behaviours and replacing them with something different. There is an expectation that change will happen quickly; however, change takes time. It is easier to stick with what we know than to take the time to discover healthier patterns of behaviours and changes to personal values and beliefs.
Change has qualities we recognise, such as indecision, considering as many of the potentials and their impact while going back and forth to find a way forward that sits comfortably. Alternatively, change can offer hope for something new and exciting to emerge; the change experience can be energising and exciting. However, we still respond to change as a possible threat to what we already know and want to hold on to. The potential of change brings uncertainty and anxiety as the consequences of change are not always fully understood.
The in-between phase is vital to recognise. It’s the place where indecisions, potential, fears, anxieties, and a host of emotions are experienced and expressed in different and creative strategies to avoid decisions and conversations that can be challenging.
This in-between phase impacts our lives in many ways, including difficulty deciding a way forward and the fear of making the wrong decision. In this phase, it can feel disruptive or disturbing, affecting all parts of our existence, but it does have a purpose. It permits the counterbalance to arrive in response to the disturbance and life continuity.
It is the space and time where decisions are considered, pondered, and talked out as we recognise that change requires us to be reflective and open to new possibilities and experiences without knowing what will happen.
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go”. Hermann Hesse
In therapy, we come to experience our anxieties and fears of change. It’s a place where the therapist can psychologically hold the process in a way that helps you gain a broader and more precise understanding of the dilemma you face.
Whether it’s a change to a relationship, a loss of something, a hope or dream or a feeling stuck in life, or it’s about how to respond to events and situations outside of your control, change helps us to focus on new possibilities for how we want to choose to live our life.
The experience of change can seem threatening, possibly dangerous for some, while others are ready to embrace change. Accepting that change is inevitable. Change will affect all aspects of our lives we may not be able to predict or control. The courage to embrace those aspects that threaten the status quo or the continuity in our lives requires us to be willing to explore, examine and take a risk in the hope the change and its impact will reveal itself.
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude”. Maya Angelou.