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Relationship Intimacy: What can intimacy offer beyond sex?

 

Intimacy is essential for any relationship to thrive and can be confusing at times, with a range of complex emotional responses being experienced. Gay male relationships face intimacy challenges, especially for men who haven’t been exposed to significant male role models. When starting a new romantic-fuelled relationship, the experience of intimacy can be immediate. In contrast, some relationships take time for intimacy to develop. When intimacy is missing, taken for granted or avoided in a relationship, a stumbling block to having a lasting and meaningful relationship emerges. 

 

Some gay men have an extreme distrust of intimacy and paradoxically seek validation and to be affirmed by others by seeking specific sexual encounters. Ambivalence towards intimacy is another common expression, where some men believe that intimacy restricts a loss of independence and freedom. Also, some gay men tend to push aside their feelings, projecting onto others their intolerance of the other’s neediness for intimacy as weak or emotionally needy. At the same time, they fear losing themselves in the relationship. 

 

When discussing intimacy with men, the most dominant feature talked about is the physical act of sex, along with the physical attraction and excitement of being with someone who gets them. In simple terms, sex is the physical act between consenting adults. It can be an intense and intimate time of sharing with our bodies and minds. 

 

Sex and intimacy are not exclusive, whereas sex can be intimate; intimacy involves an attitude of openness, vulnerability and being honest with oneself, getting in touch with your feelings and your attraction and attachment to someone else. Intimacy can be understood as an overriding feeling of emotional connection with another person. It can be experienced in platonic friendships and in passionate and loving relationships.

 

Regarding relationships beyond the immediate attraction, all relationships highlight intimacy differences. For example, in open relationships, vulnerability must be negotiated continually. In contrast, with ‘thrupples’ and ‘poly’ relationships, intimacy is the foundation of learning to understand one’s relationship to vulnerability and one’s partners.

 

What gets in the way?

The list below is a start, but it captures some key intimacy avoidance behaviours. Intimacy avoidance can be attributed to any number of experiences ranging from past childhood wounding, lack of parental bonding, attachment to primary caregivers, social and cultural norms and, of course, to difficult relationship breakups. 

  • Feeling scared to express what you want and fear of rejection in asking for what you want can be experienced as being needy. 
  • Being unclear about what you want using poor, manipulative or passive-aggressive communication patterns. Confusion is critical because if you ask, will you be rejected or feel ashamed and distressed by putting your needs first.
  • Distrust in oneself and fear of vulnerability are at the heart of intimacy avoidance. Letting people into your inner world can be a daunting and risky proposition. 

 

Understand Your Intimacy Connection

Having your Intimacy needs met beyond sex requires some honest appraisal and understanding of yourself and your partner. The five areas below can be a helpful way to understand your relationship intimacy connection. 

  • Physical intimacy beyond sex includes those relationship cuddles, caresses, strokes, holding of hands, and body expressions that say we are physically present and to one another and connected. 
  • Intellectual intimacy is when you communicate and share ideas and opinions, allowing difference to be part of the closeness without shutting down. Despite those differences, you can agree to disagree and be okay with this. 
  • Experiential intimacy is where you allow yourself to share and grow together through new experiences, going out of your comfort zone by doing something together where you learn about each other.
  • Emotional intimacy, of course, is about opening up to sharing your deepest thoughts, ideas, dreams, hopes and past fears and experiences, including past traumas that help to say this is who I am. 
  • Spiritual intimacy is not about a religion or a movement but much more. It is about sharing and understanding others’ beliefs, ideas, values, purpose, etc. It’s about how you make sense of the world you inhabit and what drives you to be who you are.

Recognising that your partner may and probably won’t meet all of your intimacy needs, it’s important to nurture those types of intimacy connections you share to deepen your relationship connection. 

Increasing your capacity for intimacy requires healing past wounds, challenging your beliefs about intimacy and moving beyond numbing activities that avoid closeness and deep emotional connection.  Intimacy is the compass to assessing your connection, attraction, closeness, and so much more in a relationship. If you are experiencing intimacy loss in your relationship, it’s time to recalibrate your relationship. 

 

 

Reference

Gay Men Going Deeper Podcast (Landsiedel and Dilorio)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckTI-MzFbmc

Isensee, R. (2020) Love Between Men: Enhancing intimacy and resolving conflicts in gay relationships. USA. Alyson Pubilcations.