Bullying and its Impact on Gay Men: Taking Back Control
For anyone who has an experience of being bullied, there are potential long standing consequences that follow into adulthood. Despite the advances towards inclusion and acceptance of LGBTQI+ people in the wider society, bullying remains an ongoing problem. It is not unusual for clients who come to therapy, as individuals or as a couple, to have experienced bullying in one form or another. Bullying discriminates against those who are different and in young men at school any deviation from the heteronormative culture, become a target and open to discrimination.
In Australia research supports the view that we have still a long way to go to eradicate bullying. About 61% of same sex attracted young people experienced verbal abuse, 18% report experiencing physical abuse with the majority taking place at school (Writing Themselves in 3, Hillier et al, 2010). The report brings to awareness the larger question of why bullying remains such a problem today and why young gay men are particularly targeted compared to identified young cisgendered heterosexual men? With the growth in mobile phone use, cyberbullying has reached extraordinary levels with anonymity and ease through the uptake in social media platforms.
The Impact of Bullying
Bullying when targeted as homophobic, includes an array of emotional, physical, and abusive acts to the person and their property with the distinct focus of exclusion and diminishing the person to the lowest status possible. In adult life those bullying experiences are internalised as self-loathing and self-hatred. The impact of being made to feel less than, not good enough, cuts to the very core of the individual’s identity, sense of masculinity, self-efficacy, purpose, and impacts the limited and constricted view of them self.
The internalised and diminished worldview impacts personal relationships. For example, the ability to trust others, and to feel secure within oneself around others while navigating the ongoing sense of feeling alone is common. Feelings of not belonging, exclusion and isolation are challenging to understand, while the ongoing self-imposed self-criticism and the fear of fully emotionally expressing oneself without being ridiculed, becomes an internal battle. Most bullied young men stay silent. The internal shame experienced daily diminishes their self-worth. The bullying makes its mark with significant consequences on their self-belief, values and importantly of how they experience themself in the world and their potency as a man.
Unless there is ongoing support, care, and love from parents or from the school system to stamp out the impact of bullying, the effects are imprinted in their DNA. The bullying can go unnoticed for some time until behaviour changes become apparent. The message conveyed through systemised bullying is “you are defective or unworthy”. For cisgendered gay men especially, the emotional impact of victimisation, discrimination and peer violence is linked to greater levels of suicide, depression, anxiety, and associated trauma response, impacting their self-worth and mental health.
Taking Back Control
Learning to take control of the negative impact of bullying in adult life requires careful consideration. Most people learn to develop protective strategies as they progress in life. Although the protective strategies help to support the person, they don’t quash those painful memories or events completely. The mind and body have clever ways of helping the individual to survive and thrive under difficult circumstances. Despite the best intentions there will be times when the past holds a greater significance of control than other times.
Friendships and relationships test the inner world of the person who has experienced bullying. At the heart of any relationship is learning to trust the other person, to be vulnerable and to be free to express oneself fully. I find the men I speak with have kept their shame of being bullied a secret. The events are glossed over and minimised as shame silences their deeply felt pain, changing the narrative to a simple statement, leaving out significant and painful details.
Any bullying experience whether a short period of your life or over a longer sustain period will hold significance in the different relationships you encounter: with yourself, with others, your work, lover, and your interests in life. You may have created a narrative, in telling yourself about who you are, your self-worth and value that may not be true but is hard to change. Your past bullying experience may be getting in the way of developing healthy and secure relationships, or you may find it hard to be in a relationship, it’s easier this way without anyone asking something from you or to avoid unpredictable relationship challenges. You may be experiencing anger or have unexpressed rage deep within you that keeps you in limitation. You may be seeking ways of soothing yourself through different activities that don’t always support you.
Working through the shame and effects of bullying takes time to unpack the network of emotional entanglement and confusion. All human beings deserve the right to feel safe and secure, to be loved and an expectation they will thrive in the world to the best of their ability. If you need to talk over with someone your experience and to move towards healing, taking back control and moving beyond shame, then get in touch. Don’t feel alone.
References
Hillier, L., Jones, T., Monagle, M., Overton, N., Gahan, L., Blackman, J., & Mitchell, A. (2010). Writing themselves in 3: the third national study on the sexual health and wellbeing of same sex attracted and gender questioning young people. Australian Research Centre in Sex Health and Society, La Trobe University.
Skinta, M. D., (2010). The Impact of Bullying on the Mental Health of young Gay Men. LAP Lambert Academic Publishing, Germany.
Swearer Napolitano, S, M.; Turner, R, K.; Givens, J, E.; and Pollack, W, S., (2008). “You’re So Gay!”: Do Different Forms of Bullying Matter for Adolescent Males?” Educational Psychology Papers and Publications. 153