Change Happens

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How to Stay Connected in a Throuple Relationship

 

Coming together as a throuple can be an exciting time for any relationship. If you are considering moving from an established dyad relationship by introducing a third person or beginning a new throuple relationship, here are some pointers  you may want to consider.

Throuples

The most common configuration of a throuple is when an established relationship invites a third person to join them. These vary from couple to couple; however, most couples report falling in love with a third person as the dominant reason. It can be a surprise to learn they are in love with their partner and with the third person at the same time.

A throuple relationship requires careful navigation and testing of the relational dynamics and boundaries.

For those couples inviting someone to join them in their relationship, it will require up front and honest communication as you negotiate the changes to your established routines. Like all new relationships, there will be a honeymoon period of fun, joy, and excitement and as time moves on like any relationship differences, wants and needs emerge. When deliberating a throuple relationship, one unique relationship dynamic to consider is triangulation. In straightforward terms, it’s when one of the three feels left out of the relationship. 

 

Triangulation

Triangulation is challenging to navigate at the best of times including between friends and especially within family relationships. In families, it’s a common occurrence. Ask any sibling where there are three, and there will always be the familiar feeling of one being left out.

Many friendships and relationships experience stress, anxiety, and potential conflict when there is disagreement, misunderstanding or disappointment. The very glue that holds you together can feel as if it’s coming undone when conversations are unresolved. Triangulation encourages the one feeling left out, with the need to vent their frustrations, which can develop into misunderstandings and conflict. 

 

If you are considering a throuple relationship, here are some thoughts on what to consider

  1. Will the relationship be an open or a closed system? There are pros and cons for both. Most throuples are closed systems, given that most throuples report love rather than sex is the reason for coming together. If an open relationship is preferred, the area for ongoing discussion is like any other open relationship, except with more people involved.
  2. Communication is vital – It’s important to speak openly and freely to discover what the deal breakers are, those critical do’s and don’ts. Also, it’s important to understand one another’s insecurities, how to respond when one needs something more or wants to change things up in the relationship. There will always be a power element operating in any relationship. A throuple may add a different quality to understanding the flow of relationship power.
  3. You may have to consider roles and responsibilities in general and how to handle the everyday frustrations that can sideline your care and love for one another. Equality for all ultimately must be negotiated and re-negotiated on an ongoing basis, especially when jealousy arises.
  4. A common problem is keeping silent about those envious feelings without expressing them; they will appear in other ways. It takes courage to speak up when feeling vulnerable or insecure. Take time to talk them through and to find a way of working those differences together. Being open with one another and developing effective communication is the key to working through those challenging times. Not making assumptions but learning to be upfront can go a long way to distilling those differences, ensuring everyone’s input is valued.
  5. Staying emotionally connected and problem-solving includes sharing your feelings, thoughts, anxieties, insecurities, fears, or goals while learning about yourself and your two other partners. Learning to be vulnerable and open to see the issue from the other person’s perspective beyond your own takes’ courage. There will be differences and needs, acceptable and unacceptable behaviours, attitudes, and so on, to navigate and come to an agreement and understanding.
  6. Planning is at the heart of success and will be a priority. Everyone has a busy schedule and finding time for a work-life balance is hard enough in a couple, with three, it will stretch the most organised person to find a solution that meets everyone’s expectations. This includes activities outside the relationship, intimacy, and sex as well as, your individual interests.
  7. Sleeping arrangements will depend on whether you live together as a throuple or the third person lives outside the primary relationship home. If living together, you may need to consider each having a bedroom or another configuration. One consideration will be where the intimacy will occur, how this is negotiated, and preferences, always together as a throuple and/or in pairs if appropriate. 

Many throuples wait till there is a problem before seeking help. If you are considering a starting a throuple relationship or want to explore your throuple dynamics, coming to talk this over in more detail can help.