The Hidden Grief of Men: Loving All the Parts of Yourself
From early boyhood, young gay men learn to hide who they are in fear of being bullied, harassed and made fun of. It’s just as prevalent for men who identify as bisexual, queer, are married, and are same-sex attracted. With the realisation of being different from the crowd, most gay men learn to hide those parts of themselves as unacceptable. Gay men learn to retreat into themselves, to hide parts of their identity and sexual preference from others.
The implication of this phenomenon is critical in their mental health and well-being development. Despite the socio-political advances today, gay, bisexual, and queer men learn to be vigilant around others. In their early years, men learn to hide their differences as a way of self-protection. Keeping close their secret, their fears, and their excitement. A conscious awareness of being different from peers and family values, these differences and inner struggles go underground. If not worked through in a positive and sex-affirming way, shame and self-recrimination emerge.
“It sucks because I didn’t have anyone that understood me growing up. So, whenever someone shows a little attention, I get attached and always end up getting hurt.”
Sadly, rejection and shame are powerful forces of self-censorship. Internal confusion and hurt can set one on a path to hiding one’s inner self as questions and doubts take hold. When not addressed, an open, honest, and carefree approach to life is tarnished with layers of guilt, shame, and self-reproach.
As men learn to hide parts of themselves, the correlation between those early experiences of shame is linked to the development of self-reproach and internalised homophobia.
Many men come to therapy to talk about times when they have poor self-confidence and low self-esteem. They seek to move beyond internal struggles of identity to challenge the deeply held critical parts of themselves and how difficult it can be to make different choices and make sense of them.
You would think today that there is more acceptance of difference, yet gay and bisexual men don’t feel entirely accepted. So often, men come to therapy to speak of the impact of their early experiences that influence them today. None more so when they seek to be in a loving and meaningful relationship.
We deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame, and without compromise, Elliot Page.
Francis Weller, a psychotherapist, has written about the five gates of understanding grief and loss. The second gate, in particular, I think, is relatable to those hidden parts of gay men and queer people face in their life.
The second gate asks us to consider the places that have NOT known love.
These include:
- Parts of us that are critical, defensive, and judgemental help us feel good about ourselves yet limit our ability to love others and ourselves and keep us stuck in old patterns of behaviour.
- Parts are preoccupied with anxiety and shame that can only be soothed through high-risk behaviors, a form of self-sabotage to help push away feelings of rejection and abandonment.
- Emotional negligence – where emotions are dismissed, seen as weakness, or a way of avoiding vulnerability. Using bravado and projection to support a tough exterior, one who doesn’t get hurt.
- Parts where we can hold contempt towards others and of ourselves. We deny our vulnerability, and the offer of compassion, care, and healing seems foreign as we do our utmost to avoid feeling lonely or rejected.
Gay and queer men who have embraced and acknowledged their relationship with those parts of themselves go on to define themself positively in the world. A sense of openness and freedom to the world around them is experienced. By embracing themselves without the burden of hidden shame or feelings of inferiority, they celebrate life fully and embrace their identity.
Standing and entering the second gate offers the opportunity to heal those painful parts we carry. We uncover those raw moments in our lives that have not been loved, validated, nurtured, or allowed to be expressed. The neglected, hidden parts, too hard to face or shameful, remind us how to find the essence of who we want to be.
We must take the risk to appreciate ourselves more meaningfully and rewardingly. We all carry those hidden parts, the secret waves of shame, and parts we believe don’t deserve love. The second gate invites us to explore past and painful wounds that crave tenderness and validation.
If you are experiencing being stuck in the same old patterns and routines, what once worked for you is no longer valid, or you are tired of hiding those painful parts and want to explore your authentic self in a safe and understanding environment. It can help to speak with someone today.
Reference: Francis Weller https://www.francisweller.net