Gay Men and Building Meaningful Relationships
Despite today’s advancements, gay men are still struggling to find meaningful relationships. Relationships are challenging and require ongoing navigation through life’s ups and downs. Building lasting relationships for most people is one of the ongoing challenges; however, for gay men, having a mutually respectful and loving relationship is complex.
With the achievements of gay liberation movements along with the decriminalisation of homosexuality, the AIDS epidemic, the legalisation of gay men’s rights, today’s same-sex marriage, discrimination legislation and a wider acceptance, then what stops some gay men from having meaningful and lasting relationships?
The couples I see in therapy come to explore how their sexual desire and passion for one another change over time as familiarity, routine, care, closeness and being comfortable with one another either enhances or diminishes the romantic love element. Isay (2010) writes that romantic love is “based on sexual passion and is primarily important in all relationships”. Couples come with dilemmas of no longer feeling attracted to their partner and still feeling love for one another. Others come to explore opening their relationships with others or how openness becomes problematic in different ways. Some couples take a risk in exploring the taboo of falling in love with another while still in love with their partner, or they explore the lack of love, intimacy, and sex when the relationship is open. They lose connection with one another and want to rekindle their romantic love.
A committed relationship takes effort and time and calls upon both parties to be open, honest, and forthcoming with one another. If you have grown up in a supportive family, you are more likely to succeed in developing a committed relationship. You may be on the same page with similar and agreed personal goals and hopes for what you both want in a relationship. What choices are you making together, and how do you reach an agreement that includes compromise and negotiation? Ultimately, both are invested in what is most important for the relationship to thrive, not just survive.
Gay men often struggle to form solid, mutually respectful attachments that include both emotional and physical connection
(M. Radkowsky 2020)
However, several factors can get in the way of being open with a partner. For those who have had difficulty coming to terms with their sexuality as a young person, have parents who are less accepting or supportive, lack social understanding, or have strong beliefs around same-sex attracted relationships, e.g.” they’re not genuine relationships”, leave an imprint, and is absorbed into the DNA of anyone finding their way in the world and of being different from the vast majority.
The imprint of the negative internalised stigma of growing up gay is a less than way of being in the world; thankfully, that is changing, but it’s still a long way to total acceptance. However, those imprints of early beliefs and values, whether a partner is accepted, or a relationship is as worthy as others or compared as something that won’t last, can impact any relationship.
Some of the critical areas for any relationship include:
Communication
It’s not rocket science, yet it can be a real deal breaker for relationship communication dynamics. Misunderstanding and misinterpretation: Do you have the skills to explore without feeling rejected, put down, criticised, or less than? The question for any couple is how each part of the relationship can express themselves and feel safe, staying true to yourself and knowing who you are and what is important to you.
How you express yourself
Communication includes nonverbal body language and spoken language. Suppose you struggle to find a way to express yourself or the words to communicate without criticism or judgment. In that case, it will go a long way toward finding a mutually respectful way forward.
Understand how emotions play a large part in communication
Know and understand your emotional compass, what it tells you, how you regulate it, and when it gets in the way. What inner work have you engaged in to understand yourself more, feel safe in a relationship, and feel more secure in your attachment?
Boundaries
This is another area that needs constant checking and working through. What are yours, and what are your partners’? What is the relationship boundary, and how does this hold the partner’s boundaries? Boundaries need negotiation. Learning what is comfortable and agreed upon and what is not and how to negotiate change that can challenge a boundary is ongoing work.
Being vulnerable
Vulnerability depends on your life experiences and events. It can be difficult for some people because they may not know how to be vulnerable, trust being vulnerable or feel safe in their vulnerability.
There is so much more to having a committed and meaningful relationship. The classic book The Velvet Rage advocates for three stages of any relationship. Stage one involves self-validation and knowing oneself; stage two involves responding proportionally to others’ behaviour and actions; and the third stage advocates for authenticity, being honest with yourself, including your story about yourself e.g., your narrative, including your wants, needs, and desires and how you let them be known to others.
Relationships are rewarding, but they do require ongoing negotiation. Please don’t wait until it’s too late to explore where your relationship pattern impacts the development of a committed and meaningful relationship.
Reference
Downs, A. (2006). The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight world. De Capo Press., USA.
Radkowsky, M. (2020). Why do so many gay couples open up their relationships? https://www.washingtonblade.com/2020/09/04/why-do-so-many-gay-couples-open-up-their-relationships/ Accessed 29 October 20024.
Isay, R. A. (2006). Commitment and Healing Gay men and the need for romantic love. John Wiley& Sons Press, Canada.