Cheating and Gay Male Relationships: how does cheating impact gay relationships?
Have you experienced Cheating or infidelity in your relationship? Has your partner cheated on you, or have you cheated on them? Maybe you are suspicious that something is going on. Then, you are not alone. In a survey in the United Kingdom of 1000 gay men, 58% of them said their partner had cheated on them, 51% reported they had cheated on their partner and had suspicions that something was going on outside the relationship.
Once infidelity or Cheating occurs in a relationship, the impact can be devastating. Previously, what was once a sense of feeling secure is blown apart. When couples come to therapy, the question they often ask is, “Is it possible for a relationship to survive and move forward when cheating happens?”
Cheating in a relationship, a breakdown and loss of trust and intimacy between those involved is inevitable. The loss of trust affects confidence in how you feel, knowing who your partner is, and the belief in the relationship agreement. The damage to your relationship intimacy and connection can affect your sense of yourself, with feelings of insecurity, anxiety, hurt, and painful emotional distress where suspicion takes centre stage.
Gay men and relationships have changed towards different configurations. Some are more fluid in structure, while others are complex compared to the traditional view of a monogamous relationship. These can include monogamy, consensual open or open-ish non-monogamous relationship, fluid and bi-sexual relationships to, the more dynamic multiple partnered relationship of a throuple, polyamory and various polycules.
The apparent general assumption for gay men is around sex. Generally, there is an understanding that it’s difficult for men to stay monogamous. Also, men who identify as straight or bi can have an active sex life outside the marriage. There is also the consideration of being turned on by another man or men having sex with your partner. Some gay men need to feel into an encounter by having a drink or dinner before having sex with someone else outside the relationship, compared to others who like quick hook-ups without foreplay, separating sex from love and intimacy.
Cheating When in a Monogamous Gay Relationship?
When it comes to monogamy, not all men have the same attitude. For gay men, some of the potential for Cheating in monogamous relationships could be the pressure to conform to a monogamous relationship, significantly when the relationship dynamic has changed, poor communication or fear of upsetting or blaming your partner when intimacy and closeness are missing.
The expectation and pressure to conform to a monogamous relationship can potentially lead to secret sexual encounters outside of the relationship. The partner could view the secrecy as a fundamental moral and value-laden dilemma and, ultimately, a betrayal of trust.
Online Cheating Using Apps
In the world of apps and online sites, where chatting online and having secretive, exciting, and thrilling online relationships with others is a common issue and can be a form of Cheating on your partner unless there is consent. In a recent TikTok meme about Cheating quoted the following:
Cheating today doesn’t start in the bedroom or driving over to meet someone at their place. Cheating starts with a friend request, a like heart reaction to their story,
Flirting is Cheating; hiding and being secretive from your partner is cheating.
This is emotional Cheating, and that leads to the physical. (Anonymous)
A moral and value-laden construct is put forward here; however, they highlight considerations for online cheating and its impact.
For some, the thrill of not hooking up but having the freedom to enjoy spending time online, being flirtatious, sending private messages, developing emotional online intimacy, and sharing intimate and detailed content and photos can be viewed as Cheating. The amount of time spent online can exceed and invade the amount of time spent with a partner. The third party of the online world threatens the relationship’s integrity and boundaries.
Cheating in Open and Multiple Relationships
There is always the question of the line between enjoying the agreed parameters of the open relationship and being unfaithful. Most open relationships establish a set of principles or rules. Like everything, what was once helpful initially can become challenging. As open relationships progress, reviewing the rules of engagement becomes essential, too. Usually, this happens when one person tests the principles and boundaries by breaking the rules. Some of the key areas and actions for infidelity include casual ongoing hookups with the same person and sharing emotional intimacy with someone else on an ongoing basis.
Underlying Contributions to Cheating
Being unfaithful may not be something someone sets out to cause at the start; however, there are several reasons for being unfaithful. Ultimately, the relationship is at the centre when Cheating becomes the catalyst for something that is not working in the relationship.
I hear from clients about unresolved differences, mainly where past emotional pain and dissatisfaction occur, unfulfilled desires and hopes, future direction, and shared ideals and values. There is always a communication difficulty or breakdown; some become preoccupied and have stopped communicating.
Another common theme is how the relationship has changed, from lover to friend and, in some cases, housemate. There is little intimate connection, and the sex is unsatisfactory or sporadic.
Often spoken about is the difference in libido where one has a ‘higher sex drive” needing frequent sex compared to their partner. Other areas might include age differences, developmental differences, past experiences, and intimacy needs versus sex.
Personal Past Concerns
Some of the drivers for Cheating may be due to personal concerns such as low self-esteem, insecurity, past experiences of discrimination, rejection, internalised homophobia, mental health, and substance dependency.
It may simply be complacency or boredom in the relationship, the routine, lack of spontaneity, or being comfortable or overstructured that a couple has forgotten to share and enjoy one another.
Not all Cheating is about the relationship; it may be about someone’s way of expressing themselves, wanting to feel they are still desirable, feeling alive in a different way, or feeling powerful, excited, and potent.
Being unfaithful happens for a range of reasons. Some may be excuses. However, there may be some underlying reasons not being communicated. To move beyond Cheating and to feel connected again, it is vital for open, candid, and honest communication to unearth what has contributed to Cheating. Unpacking what went wrong or missed between you can be threatening; however, understanding the reasons for the Cheating can be liberating.
Having the courage to work through emotional pain and hurt helps to begin the repair process and regain lost trust. Working through can be a powerful way of clearing a relationship’s unspoken and unresolved issues. Taking the step to work the painful action of infidelity can be the catalyst for open, genuine, and honest dialogue.
Reference
https://www.lgbthero.org.uk/fs164-infidelity-and-the-gay-community