Do Gay Couples Leave it too Late to Come to Relationship Counselling?

 

Are couples looking to relationship counselling as a last resort, hoping the Counsellor will fix the relationship? Many couples put off coming along to relationship counselling as it seems time-consuming and costly, and they don’t see how speaking about their relationship difficulties with someone else is helpful. Some couples get stuck and entrenched in old behaviour patterns, and conversations go around in circles. It can be upsetting to admit your relationship isn’t working, and embarrassing having to be vulnerable in front of a professional.

 

The good news is that relationship counselling can help. The not-so-good news is that it requires work and a commitment to engage in the not-so-good stuff that’s happening between you. Using relationship counselling when you are desperate or as a last resort is not ideal.

 

When a relationship is in crisis, working through the pain and uncertainty is possible if both are prepared to do the work. Emotions and feelings run high. Positions are taken and defended and can be challenging to move through when one or both are “in the right”. Protection mode is activated, protecting oneself from further pain becomes a priority. No one wants to be wrong. Some couples have relationship communication styles that are hard to navigate, especially when defending themselves by projecting their needs and wants onto their partner.

 

Moving out of painful experiences takes time and requires a capacity to sit in the messiness while holding hope for resolution. Reaching a position of compromise, finding a meeting point of agreement, and learning to listen to one another, helps to begin the healing process.

 

As a relationship counsellor of gay men, I recognise it is difficult to admit and confront what has contributed to the relationship breakdown. My approach is to help you explore contributing factors to your current situation.

 

Couples report they find relief at the beginning, but as the work progresses, my role is to help support you to gain insight, develop awareness and understanding of one another’s position, and, if you choose, how to move forward. The session then takes on a process towards your preferred repair while developing appreciation for one another. Moving from survive to thrive is a healthy approach to being in an intimate relationship.

 

If you are considering coming to relationship counselling, here are some considerations you may want to assess before coming along.

1. How committed are both of you to attending?  For relationship counselling to be effective, both partners need to be committed to the process and willing to participate. If one partner is reluctant or unwilling to attend or puts up excuses as a roadblock to exploring the relationship, this may be indicative of what is happening in the relationship.

2. How does the past influence the current relationship’s communication and dynamics? Everyone has a past, including deep-seated painful trauma events, low self-esteem, unresolved issues of betrayal, abuse, and long-standing communication patterns. Most gay men struggle with trust and being vulnerable. All relationships require trust and vulnerability; however, they may also need individual therapy as the relationship may activate past insecurities and sabotage the relationship counselling process.

3. The shame and blame game when one partner is identified as the problem?  The process becomes lopsided when one part of the relationship doesn’t engage or want to come along to counselling. Responsibility in a relationship is shared, and no matter the situation, the couple, as a system, co-creates its unique way of being in a relationship. While one may contribute more than the other, the other is also part of the issue. An unwillingness to consider how they contribute to the issue or problem causes the relationship counselling process to fail.

4. Are you on the same values and future directions page, or are there fundamental differences? Relationships change, and personal goals and drives help to keep a relationship dynamic. Difficulties arise when the current relationship system is under threat. For example, one partner wants to change the relationship or mix things up, e.g., have an open relationship or have a child. Also, defining beliefs and values such as cultural and religious beliefs, family relationships and difficulties can dominate and interrupt the connection, creating conflict between partners. These fundamental differences will influence the process of relationship counselling. It is important to be on the same page or agree where they move to the background rather than dominating the relationship. They are likely to continue beyond the process of counselling.  

5. How reciprocal and supportive is your communication? Every relationship establishes unique communication protocols. Relationship counselling is ineffective when damaging and destructive language and behaviours dominate the session. Harmful communication and behaviour patterns block potential solutions from being realised. For example, using the session to break up or speak in a way that is damaging, hostile, and hurtful or one part of the couple having a hidden agenda.

If you are considering relationship counselling, don’t wait until it’s a crisis. As a couple you need to agree on what you want to work on prior to coming along, how prepared you are to engage in the process and your hopes for your relationship to thrive beyond survival.