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Despite today’s advancements, gay men are still struggling to find meaningful relationships. Relationships are challenging and require ongoing navigation through life’s ups and downs. Building lasting relationships for most people is one of the ongoing challenges; however, for gay men, having a mutually respectful and loving relationship is complex.

With the achievements of gay liberation movements along with the decriminalisation of homosexuality, the AIDS epidemic, the legalisation of gay men’s rights, today’s same-sex marriage, discrimination legislation and a wider acceptance, then what stops some gay men from having meaningful and lasting relationships.

Men learn to hide parts of themselves, the correlation between those early experiences of shame is linked to the development of self-reproach and internalised homophobia.

From early boyhood, young gay men learn to hide who they are in fear of being bullied, harassed and made fun of. It’s just as prevalent for men who identify as bisexual, queer, are married, and are same-sex attracted. With the realisation of being different from the crowd, most gay men learn to hide those parts of themselves as unacceptable. Gay men learn to retreat into themselves, to hide parts of their identity from others.

Coming together as a throuple can be an exciting time for any relationship. If you are considering moving from an established dyad relationship by introducing a third person or beginning a new throuple relationship, here are some pointers you may want to consider

The most common configuration of a throuple is when an established relationship invites a third person to join them. These vary from couple to couple; however, most couples report falling in love with a third person as the dominant reason.

For anyone who has an experience of being bullied, there are potential long standing consequences that follow into adulthood.  Despite the advances towards inclusion and acceptance of LGBTQI+ people in the wider society, bullying remains an ongoing problem. It is not unusual for clients who come to therapy, as individuals or as a couple, to have experienced bullying in one form or another.  Bullying discriminates against those who are different and in young men at school any deviation from the heteronormative culture, become a target and open to discrimination.

More and more identified cis-straight men are taking pleasure in a type of anal sex that is taboo in many relationships. Pegging has been around for a considerable time having its claim to fame in the TV series Broad City and yet, remains mostly a secret between men and their partners. The societal pressures and homophobia concerns is that anal play is only for gay men and participating and having pleasure from being pegged is beyond most couples understanding.  Any man who enjoys being pegged must be gay!  More men are coming to my practice who enjoy pegging and yet are afraid to speak openly about it.

Intimacy is essential for any relationship to thrive and can be confusing at times, with a range of complex emotional responses being experienced. Gay male relationships face intimacy challenges, especially for men who haven’t been exposed to significant male role models. When starting a new romantic-fuelled relationship, the experience of intimacy can be immediate. In contrast, some relationships take time for intimacy to develop. When intimacy is missing, taken for granted or avoided in a relationship, a stumbling block to having a lasting and meaningful relationship emerges. 

Existentially, change is a condition that all human beings in their lifetime will experience. We can’t avoid it. It captures the essence of what it means to be human. Change, however, as a constant in our lives, is the source of disruption and continuity. We can eagerly embrace change as something that brings hope and expectation of something new while also recognising that change can be a threat, intimidating, and to be avoided.

Dating apps have been in use for decades, evolving from their earliest conception of chat room conversations with the expectation to connect with someone and then arrange to meet up. Fast forwarding to today, the apps with their carefully designed algorithms with promises to meet that someone special or more simply for a hook up. What are some of the pitfalls?

Established and acceptable forms of monogamous relationships relied on many factors such as socio-political, cultural and religious ideologies as well as practical and financial considerations. Today the freedom to choose and define what constitutes a relationship takes a broader understanding.